Darkly's Drabbles
by Lord Darkly
Summary: A place to store my personal ideas and plot-bunnies for the world of Naruto. Expect Humor, Drama, Adventure, Horror, Alternate Chapters, and general chaos all around.
1. Resurrection

Thud. Thud. Thud.

The monotonous hammering continued, as Sasuke Uchiha frowned in deep concentration.

Thud. Thud.

A voice was heard calling from the outside.

"Sasuke! You have to stop this!" A woman's voice screamed.

The last Uchiha grit his teeth. That was probably Sakura.

"This is the way it should be." He called firmly. His black hair swirled as he turned his head to face the door.

"You don't mean that Sasuke! Please, just come back out! We can talk things ove-"

"No."

He spoke with finality, and after forming a single handseal, there was silence in the room.

With that, Sasuke turned back to what he had been working on.

Stretched over a massive stone table, the only one in the small stone room, were dozens of scrolls laid open. On the sides, numerous scribbles could be seen. These were the notes of an obsessed man looking for a solution.

Behind him, he heard a soft slithering sound.

"Ku ku, to think you were working on something as complicated as this." The snake sannin grinned amusedly. "I can't say I'm surprised. You always were a stubborn one."

Sasuke clenched his fist, but said nothing.

"Will it work?" He asked curiously. "I assure you, I have studied the subject quite thoroughly, and so far as I know-"

"It'll work."

Orochimaru grinned at that. "I look forward to seeing it then."

Sasuke bent up from the table, and walked over to the wooden coffin lying against the wall. It had been hand-crafted by Hashirama those ten years ago, before the old Hokage had returned to the afterlife.

It was nothing less than his friend deserved.

Outside, an earth-shattering quake shook the room, sending dust falling from the ceiling. It pounded again and again, and behind him, Sasuke could see the wooden door cracking ever so slowly.

It figured that even the strongest seals in the world wouldn't keep Sakura out for long.

Sasuke, the Sixth Hokage of the Hidden Leaf, turned away from the door for the last time. He collected himself, and then with purpose strode up to the wooden coffin.

He slipped easily into the firm wood. He was a little too tall for the it, but the man couldn't care less.

It wasn't meant for him.

As the Snake Sannin watched with interest, Sasuke flashed through handseal after handseal. The pattern seemed endless, weaving and pulling Chakra in complex ways.

Then, with a final handseal, he slid to the back of the coffin, sighing in exhaustion.

As his body started glowing with inner light, he turned to the old snake, wearing the first smile he'd had in nearly ten years.

"The Impure Resurrection was always flawed." He said to Orochimaru. "But they never understood why."

Sasuke shuddered, before continuing. "There was no sacrifice. They only offered a corpse, and so the result was impure."

He looked the Sannin in the eye.

"Only a life can pay for a life."

The snake grinned widely, his teeth reflecting the light.

"How interesting."

Sasuke continued to glow brighter and brighter, until even the enhanced eyes of the old Sannin couldn't take it, and he turned away covering them.

Inside the glow, Sasuke Uchiha, last bearer of the Sharingan, closed his eyes.

"This is where it ends." He muttered, before the light exploded out in a wave of energy. It shook the cavern, and blasted the wooden door off its hinges. The Snake Sannin was thrown against the wall, mostly unharmed.

When the body's eyes opened again, to the stunned face of Sakura Haruno, the face smiled warmly.

They were a deep, cerulean blue.


	2. Eyes of Despair

**A/N: The following is rated M for Mature.**

* * *

Naruto: Eyes of Despair

* * *

"Die Nine-Tailed Demon Fox from six years ago!" The angry drunken villager mob yelled at the small boy.

The blond struggled weakly to his feet, but a thrown beer bottle smacked him on the head and knocked him down.

"That's for smiling at my daughter you bastard!" A pink-haired voice screamed. The noise sounded remarkably like how one would describe a banshee.

"Let's kick the shit out of him!"

"YEAH!"

Four hours later, the blond crawled out of the dumpster he had been dumped in. Thankfully, his ear, right testicle, tongue, uvula and coccyx had all grown back while he was unconscious.

"Welp. Better go steal some scrolls from the dumpsters, since nobody will teach me anything." Naruto said to himself glumly.

It was then, that in front of him the boy saw a shimmering form of a man. His hair was white, and his two eyes were ringed and… purple?

"Naruto. You must go to- kzz.. — ."

The boy frowned in confusion.

" zkkz..-egoba system. . tdra.."

"Um, you're cutting out a bit." He said.

The holographing figure clasped its head exasperated.

"Damn cru-kz-y reception. Look kid. You have the eyes, yatta y-z.,-tta, use them well. Adios."

Then, he shimmered away, presumably off to go do mystical things.

Naruto looked down at the muddy puddle filled entirely with his own blood.

Two ringed eyes looked back at him.

The boy grinned a feral grin. One might even call it "foxy", should they have seen it.

"Now I'll show them. I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!"

What followed was not by any means maniacal laughter.

* * *

Meanwhile, deep in the sewers of Naruto's mind, the fox was brandishing a comically large 90s flip-phone angrily.

"What do you mean they're making me a chick?" He roared at the black device.

"No John, you listen to me. I'm calling my agent, because this is BULLS**T. I did not sign up for this garbage."

A few crackling mutters were heard through the device.

"WHAT?" The fox yelled. "Teaching him jutsu? And what the fuck is up with this "kit" bullshit? I signed up to play a demon dammit, not some kid's fucking furry fantasy!"

"No I will not calm down! I've been preparing for this role for a month now! Do you have any idea how much set up work I've put into this? DO YOU?"

"Fuck this. Get Thomson on the line. Tell him it's urgent."

With that, he slammed the phone shut with a snap.

* * *

"What do you mean I can't be a ninja!" The blond yelled indignantly.

Hiruzen merely shook his head.

"Naruto, no matter what kind of "magic powers" you conveniently got after storming out of here yesterday, I'm afraid you're simply too young."

The boy's eyes were brimming with tears.

"But Jiji, I just want to be able to protect myself from them..." He trailed off suggestively.

"From who? What's been going on?"

Naruto merely shook his head in shame. "I... I know you can't do anything about the villagers, because of the council and all, but-"

The aged hokage held up his hand for silence, and leaned in closely.

"Naruto. Tell me exactly what happened."

* * *

"How in the hell did this happen?" The hokage yelled angrily, slamming his hand down on the oaken desk. Across from him, five ANBU looked sheepish.

"Well sir, it's the council you see. They told us we'd been reassigned to somewhere else, so they could... um.."

Despite the impossibility of it, the hokage's expression deepened further.

"Let me get this straight. The ANBU Black Ops, an organization which I personally control and consists of the most powerful shinobi in the village, lacks the intellectual or physical capacity necessary to protect a SIX YEAR OLD BOY FROM A MOB?"

His next smash split the wood of the desk in half.

"WHAT THE HELL DO I PAY YOU PEOPLE FOR?" He roared at them.

One of the ANBU raised his hand quiveringly.

"WHAT?"

His voice wouldn't have sounded out of place coming from a thirteen year old girl.

"But... the council.."

The following explosion would be remembered for decades as a great historical event of Konoha by most.

For five though, it would be the stuff of nightmares.

* * *

"Shinra Tensei!" Naruto yelled exuberantly.

The dreaded mob that had been approaching with various torches and stakes, went flying back in a manner that could only be described as hilarious.

Had the boy ever played Skyrim, he might have felt a primal glee at having gained the power to FUS-RO-DAH people at will.

But he had not, because the dreaded council turned off his cable.

And smashed his Xbox.

The bastards.

* * *

Sitting on his giant throne consisting entirely of girls, Sasuke set down his hand mirror as he sneezed loudly.

When the girl in front of him looked up, the boy snarled.

"Did I tell you to stop?"

"N..No Sasuke.."

"Then finish up. I must revive my clan. Also, fuck Naruto."

"Do I have to?"

"No. Get back to work."

* * *

"Bring us his head!" One of the villagers shouted angrily from his seat.

Next to him, a pink-haired woman was speaking similarly.

"He has assaulted us physically in a blatant attack against our wellbeing!" A warehouse owner yelled. His hair was blown all over the place, and the tips were muddy from where he had landed.

Hiashi nodded with obvious agreement.

Across the table from them, Hiruzen turned to regard his fellow clan heads gravely.

His words could only be described as profound.

"Just who the hell are these people, and how do they keep getting in our _secret_ Council Meetings?"

Over in a shadowy part of the table, Danzo tugged at his collar uncomfortably.

This was not going as planned.

* * *

"I'm sorry Hinata, but the council said they have the power to banish me." Naruto said sadly.

The girl looked heartbroken. It was so unfair, how they attacked him, called him a demon, and cut off various body parts.

"I have to go, but you should stay here. It's safer."

The girl paused, before looking up resolutely.

"No Naruto. I'm staying with you. I refuse to become another one of Sasuke's girls. My father wants me to marry him."

The blond looked sympathetic.

"Ouch. Maybe you better come with me then. I bet the Rinnegan gives me the power to improve the Hyuuga clan techniques by like, ten times."

"Really?"

"Oh yeah, can probably find flaws in the perfect defense too. Because I'm awesome."

* * *

Meanwhile, over in the Hyuuga Branch Compound, Neji was doing evil things.

Because he was a bastard.

And evil.

And hated Naruto.

* * *

Over near one of Konoha's many hot springs, Kakashi and Jiraiya were lounging contentedly.

The masked man turned after a while, and spoke.

"Hey. You ever feel like we forgot something?"

"Probably not important."

"Yeah. Probably."

And so, they continued to relax.


	3. Paperwork

The fourth Hokage of the Hidden Leaf brought his pen around with a flourish, signing his name in dark ink against the white parchment.

He grinned, and reached out for the next paper to deal with.

The words brought a smile to his face. One of the Wind Daimyo's daughters was interested in touring the village. With long practiced skills, the Hokage wove his pen in a neat signature, and passed it along into his approved pile.

With every swish of his pen, the man liked to imagine he was making the world just a little bit better. That feeling kept him hard at work day after day, contenting him with the knowledge that he was solving diplomacy without bloodshed. Without pain or loss.

He'd seen the brutalities of war, and the problems that came with it. Keeping such a fate at bay was not only his duty, but his personal promise to the people of Konoha. Agreement after agreement passed under his fingertips, each being signed in detail.

Of course, a few did not pass the Hokage's scrutiny. Minato took special care to read through each of the incoming papers, reveling in the fact that rather than fighting with kunai and wire, his enemies were fighting with _words._

Harmless words. More than a few officials had tried the time-tested tactic of filling their paperwork with mindless repetitions, to allow certain details to pass unnoticed.

Minato felt a small twinge of pride every time he found one of these details.

_This_ was a way he could contribute.

His wife unfortunately, did not understand his joy.

"How can you get so into this stuff?" She'd often ask him, staring at the many stacks of papers that went through his hands. He would smile knowingly, recognizing that while his wife had many strengths, understanding this feeling was likely not among them.

And so he worked. Signature after signature. His assistant would alert him for lunch every day, something he made sure to always thank her for. A nervous little thing, she always ensured he didn't work himself too hard, and often mixed in a few of the more exciting papers to brighten his day.

Ah, this one looked exciting. A man was petitioning for the Konoha Orphanage to receive additional funding.

With a smile, he added a quick signature to the paper.

They could afford it after all. Without endless war draining their funds, their bank was always opening up for public renovation.

What problems would he solve today?

What wars would he avert?

How many lives would he improve with the swish of his pen?

It was a challenge, and he _reveled_ in it. Between it and his personal research, the Fourth Hokage accomplished more in his short life than many thought possible.

One can only imagine the direction the world would have turned had it not been cut short.

But that is neither here nor there. One thing could be said in certainty about the young man, who contributed so much.

Minato _loved_ his paperwork.

* * *

**A/N: Nothing much. Just a 500 word drabble to warm up with.**

**I find it amusing when authors use the classic "hates paperwork" cliche on Minato. With Tsunade and Naruto, it makes perfect sense for them to find it boring and monotonous, but the Fourth?**

**You'd think he'd love the stuff, for all the reasons described. **

**Anyway, I hope you found it entertaining. Expect more short drabbles in the future. **

**-Darkly **


	4. Sasori and Hidan Save the World

"I think I hate you." Sasori grumbled.

The wind howled across the desolate landscape. There were a few sparse shrubs dotting it, giving the place a distinctly shitty feel.

All in all, it was probably one of the most miserable places Sasori had ever been.

And that said a lot, considering he was nigh-immortal and had grown up in a desert plagued by regular sandstorms.

"Quit whining. There's nobody else to talk to." Hidan grumbled, idly scratching the inside of his ribcage with his scythe. "Who would have figured they'd actually do it? This place is a real shithole now."

The two of them sat in not-particularly-companionable silence on the battlefield where basically everyone important had either died, died for the second time, or been eaten by one of the crazy demon beasts that had split up again after the ten tails had self-destructed.

There were a few more moments of enjoyable mutual hatred.

Then, the sky split open.

Choir music spilled out, and the constant muddy brown-ish clouds of nothing that had blotted out the sky gave way to a distinctly too blue sky, with white puffy clouds that somehow managed to make both of them feel utterly dirty and impure.

"Great warriors," a feminine voice said, as an unimaginably beautiful woman descended from the heavens. Sasori quickly sized her up and came to the conclusion that yes, he would puppet that. Hidan looked as though he'd seen the most revolting thing in existence.

"Could they get any more pretentious?" He muttered.

"You are the last of your kind. The age of the shinobi has ended, and with it, all of the world's hope." She looked on the verge of tears.

"No shit." Hidan said. He continued to pointedly look away. Sasori simply stopped moving.

"We have decided to give you a second chance," she said, unfurling two massive luminous wings that had definitely not been there a moment before.

"Together, you shall be our messengers, and right the wrongs that-"

"Would you quit the damn chanting?" Hidan yelled, stomping his feet in a distinctly mature manner. "I can barely hear you over the sounds of boys reversing puberty. Is that a fucking _clarinet _I hear?"

The choir chants awkwardly fell short. One side of the parted clouds blinked its light a few times, and it promptly gave out, leaving a very lopsided looking gateway to heaven.

The woman rolled her eyes and pulled out a cigarette, lighting it with a match and spitting in a distinctly unfeminine manner.

She looked down at them, her expression bored enough to be on narcotics.

"You want us to cut to the chase? Fine." She bit out. "We're out of power. This world has gone to complete shit. There's nobody around to worship us, and there's no way you two freakshows are ever restarting the human population. We can't go back in time ourselves, so you guys get to clean up this mess. Mm-kay?"

Hidan blinked at her.

"To hell with that. I'm waiting for the rapture." He said. The man leaned back, scratching the side of his head with a finger. "Jashin will soon purge the world of its flaws. I was promised fifty virgins damnit. I'll get that rapture if I have to wait _a hundred years_ for it."

She shot him a smile very similar to the one she had done during her divine entrance, but now Sasori could recognize it as just a little bit too forced.

"You mean like these?" She asked sweetly, and suddenly with a rush of impromptu soap bubbles, the two former Akatsuki members found themselves in the center of a donut-shaped pool, filled to the brim with young, thin women, with almost comically out-of-proportion… assets.

Hidan's eyebrows slowly climbed to the top of his forehead, where they seemed to want to continue rising.

Sasori looked on, unimpressed.

"None of these women have any significantly useful features at all." He muttered. "The anatomy is too warped, and their chakra coils have had to shrink as a result. These are worthless."

The woman shot him a glare, then snapped her fingers. With a puff of smoke, a 6'7 hulking warrior came into existence, massive scars running up and down his arms, and a sword nearly twice his height slung across his back.

He idly flicked a hand, and the entire right-hand side of the world became consumed by the weight of five consecutive planetary impacts.

Sasori's jaw fell off.

"We will do anything you ask." He said, although his speech was a bit off due to his lack of moving lips.

The woman smiled a cruel smile, and took a long drag of the cigarette.

"Good. I'll lay out the plans for you then, M-kay?"

* * *

"And so by eliminating Obito Uchiha, based on our calculations, - hey! Are you guys even listening to me?"

Sasori was busy admiring his new body, in all its wide-muscled planetary-devastating glory. He flexed one of his biceps, and one of the mountains surrounding them promptly erupted in a shower of lava.

"It's perfect…" he muttered. Were he not made of wood, it wouldn't have been hard to imagine tears streaming down his face. "My greatest creation. Nothing can compare."

"Hey, Satsuki! Pass me the grapes, will ya?" Hidan called out over the crowds of women. He was currently sitting on a bleachers his newest fans had constructed, while two of the more tough looking harem-women grappled each other bare-fisted in a massive pile of mud, prompting much cheering.

"Grab her by the hair Gina! Don't let her bite you!"

The divine woman took a very long drag from her cigarette, let out a nice, long three second exhale, and nodded.

"Fine, so that's how it is…" she muttered. She walked up to Sasori, who was busy flexing his now-wooden pectorals. They squeaked like old doors.

"So, have you finished listening to the plan?" She asked him, smiling sweetly again.

Squeak. Squeak squeak.

"You might want to repeat it. I don't think Hidan was listening very carefully." He said. His eyes did not leave his pectorals.

"Oh, there's no need. I'm sure you-"

Squeak.

"You two should be able to handle yourselves just-"

Squeak squeak.

"YOU'RE GOING! HAVE FUN!" She yelled.

A black hole suddenly appeared beneath the two former Akatsuki members' feet. Hidan just managed to bring his hand up next to his head, pinky and thumb extended, in time to let off a quick:

"Call me ladies!"

before the pair of them were sucked into the abyss to face whatever dangers laid ahead of them.

"Let them figure it out for themselves. See if I care."

The divine woman took another long drag, and let out a puff of smoke. She glared at one of the harem women.

"I'm not bitter."

"Sure you aren't."

"Do you want to burn for all of eternity? Yeah. I didn't think so."

* * *

They were in a forest.

They were in a fucking forest.

"WHY IS IT ALWAYS A GODDAMN FOREST!" Hidan yelled at the sky, which utterly failed to answer.

"Something is not right," Sasori muttered to himself, also laying on the grassy floor of the "fucking forest why is it always a goddamn"

He tried flexing one of his pectorals.

His puppet late-teenage body entirely failed to cause an earthquake.

"MY PERFECT CREATION!" Sasori screamed in an uncharacteristic fit of rage. He began flailing on the ground like a small child, tugging up clumps of grass and just generally looking unprofessional.

"Chill the fuck out man. I lost fifty of the best sets of breasts this world has ever seen."

"I COULD CALL DOWN PLANETS. MY FOOTSTEPS CREATED EARTHQUAKES! IT WAS MY GREATEST… My greatest…"

The flailing stopped, and Sasori's entire body went lifeless.

"I see no reason for living anymore," he muttered apathetically. "Bury me here. I have failed puppetry as a craft. You must save the world."

"Quit your bitching. We have to figure out where the hell we are, and what the hell we're supposed to do about the whole end-of-the-world thing. I'm not particularly keen on fighting Madara Uchiha. What about you?"

"Nothing matters to me. Life is worthless."

"Ugh. Surely there's something else you've wanted to dissect and turn into a puppet? Like a panda bear or something?"

Sasori's eyes flew open with a spin. His spine went rigid as a ramrod. "Ah yes. My dream. It could be possible…." Sasori hopped to his feet, brushing off the few bits of dirt covering his wooden form.

"TO PUPPETEER A BIJUU!" He cried, shaking his fist at the sky.

Hidan did a spit take, despite having nothing in his mouth.

"A Bijuu?" He yelled. "Are you fucking crazy? There's probably not enough wood in this whole godddamn forest to turn a Bijuu into a puppet. Speaking of which, WHERE THE HELL ARE WE! WHY IS IT ALWAYS A FUCKING FOREST! FUCK!"

From the branches of a nearby massive oak, a small collection of Chunin and a Special-Jonin with Konoha headbands shivered in fear.

"Get the Hokage. Tell him it's a code yellow." Anko Mitarashi muttered.

"But how did they get here? The Forest of Death is near the middle of our village. To penetrate our defenses so far…"

"Just get the Hokage damnit. We might be under attack right now!"

"Yes M'am!"

"...What did you just call me?"

* * *

"Uh… Sasori." Hidan muttered.

No response.

"Woodchuck! Fish-n-chips! Get up off your ass, I think we have company."

"None of them are worth turning into puppets," Sasori said, still the antithesis of activity. "The tiger might be fun though. I haven't used one of their kind yet."

Hidan raised an eyebrow.

"Tiger? What- OH SWEET JASHI-"

Hidan's body went flying through the forest, batted with a paw larger than most mammals were supposed to be. Over the course of his flight, the man managed to lose both arms, his Scythe, and whatever semblance of self control he had been clinging to.

"I am so done with this shit right now!" Hidan yelled, as though to challenge the giant cat.

The tiger snorted steam. Its eyes were glowing red.

"I think you should come with us right now," a voice said from above Hidan.

He peered up to see on a higher branch what appeared to be the entire ANBU corps. The branch must have been at least thirty feet long, but there was barely enough room to fit all the masked Shinobi.

Oh, and they were posing.

Around a third of them were going for the classic "arms crossed looking down at you because I'm a badass", a few had gone with the "arm across the chest holding a huge fucking sword", and one or two even seemed to be imitating some kind of bird, one leg off the ground and arms raised high as though ready to flap.

One of them just flat out _did not give a fuck_, and proceeded to pull out a small orange book, which he then started reading.

"Why the hell would I do that?"

"Because if you don't, Sheldon over there is going to get your other two limbs," the one reading the book said bluntly, turning a page. He let out a little giggle.

Hidan stared at them in disbelief.

"You named him Sheldo-OH MY FUCKING-"

This hit, instead of sending him halfway across the forest, merely knocked him into a tree. At the impact, Hidan did in fact lose his other two limbs.

"How is this guy still alive right now?" One of the ANBU muttered in confusion.

"Let alone talking."

"S-Ranks. Trust me, you'll get used to this sort of shit."

"Hey! Weird guy!" One of the younger ANBU called out. "You look pretty wounded there! You should probably surrender so we can provide medical assistance!"

"FUCK YOU. THIS IS BUT A FLESH WOUND."

Hidan hopped forward on the massive branch he'd landed on. In a flash, (could giant tigers shunshin?) the glowing red eyes were before him again.

"I'M TAKING YOU WITH ME SHELDON! PREPARE TO MEET YOUR MAKER!"

Hidan springboarded his torso at the beast. His mouth opened wide ready to bite the massive creature.

"How crazy-"

"S-Ranks private. S-Ranks. They're an entirely different kind of Shinobi."

As the younger ANBU peered down at what appeared to be somehow, against all probability, an even fight between the limbless Hidan and several ton tiger, he gulped.

"The Hokage will be here soon, right?"

"Let's hope so."

* * *

"How the hell did he win that," one of the ANBU said slowly. His mask spontaneously sprouted a crack.

"I was watching the whole time, and I still have _no fucking idea_."

"What's the situation?" Anko Mitarashi said, as she landed on the branch along with the ANBU.

She immediately noticed that a number of them appeared to have popcorn bags. While she wouldn't say it out loud, she suspected that the ANBU that was significantly more… er…_round _than the others, was in fact an Akimichi and responsible for this appearance of snacks.

"Nobody's really sure what to do," the nearest ANBU said honestly. "And the captain hasn't given us any orders yet." The captain in question was deeply engrossed in one of Icha Icha's newest novels, and was giggling in a way that could not possibly have been more unprofessional.

"Is nobody taking this situation seriously?" she hissed angrily. "These men have flee on sight orders. They're S-Rank damnit! In our village!"

"They don't seem to be in any hurry to go anywhere," the book-reading ANBU commented. "I decided it would be best to wait for the Hokage's input."

"Well, we've got that at least," Anko said. The assembled ANBU stiffened.

"The Lord Hokage is here?"

"He went to deal with the Red Sand one. Now then, let's go capture this homicidal maniac. Hopefully we'll get out of this one alive."

* * *

"Sasori of the Red Sands," Hiruzen Sarutobi said gravely.

The puppeteer in question raised his head a fraction of a few degrees, and then let it slump again.

"Not even you could make up for my lost body," he muttered. "Although I must admit, I was planning on adding you to my collection. I have no doubt you would have been one of my more impressive creations."

The Hokage's eyebrows raised.

"And this plan has changed?"

"There's nothing of interest to me on this earth anymore, aside from the Demon Beasts, and I suspect I would not fare well against one in my body's current quality."

Hiruzen took slow, methodical steps forward until he was only a few feet away from the permanently-teenaged Missing Nin.

"I'm going to have to take you in for questioning," the Hokage said, expression unreadable.

Sasori nodded.

"That would be wise. I am absorbed by self-pity at the moment, but that may change to boredom relatively soon."

"Will you be permanently damaged if sealed?" Sarutobi asked, unfurling a massive sealing scroll.

"No, although it is very disturbing. Sometimes, things look back at me from in there. Things with eyes. And tentacles."

Sasori shivered.

"Please do not make it longer than necessary."

"I will see what I can do," Hiruzen said honestly. With a puff of smoke, the puppeteer was gone, and the seal was marked with more ink than it had been before.

And then the Hokage was gone as well, leaving an oddly quiet void.

* * *

Atop the corpse of the monstrous tiger, Hidan's battered upper half barely managed to stay upright. Several teeth were missing. His hair was matted with blood, and pointing in all directions.

"I. Fucking. Won," Hidan panted out. He spat out another tooth, which sailed nearly seven feet.

Then, he was surrounded on all sides by masked ANBU.

And they were _posing_.

"You guys have seriously got to figure out a more creative set of… hrrrg….," Hidan trailed off as the narcotics went into effect.

"Did you have to give him that much?" one of the younger ANBU commented. "That would have knocked out Sheldon!"

"S-Ranks kid. You do _Not_. Fuck. Around. With. S-Ranks," another ANBU replied.

"But he could be dea-"

"DON'T FIGHT ME ON THIS ONE PRIVATE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE SHIT I HAVE SEEN, AND I HAVE SEEN A LOT OF IT."

"You guys done?" Hidan asked, looking extremely bored.

The collected ANBU screamed like little girls.

"KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

* * *

**A/N:**

**Will this be continued? I really, really don't know.**

**My mind is a strange place.**


	5. Ominous Forebodings

Sasuke took a bite out of his recently purchased jumbo no-lettuce extra sauce but not too heavy on the onions cheeseburger, and swallowed. Ominously.

It was the kind of swallow that tells the story of a dangerous man, taking meticulous care to chew just to the degree of ideal texturization, only to immediately send the small package of nutrients to the next stage of digestion.

As he did so, his face scrunched. Muscles tugged and yanked to _obliterate_ the newly-acquired sustenance. There was no pleasure in it. Only the cold, savory act of utter annihilation.

Meanwhile, storm clouds collected on the horizon. Of course, beyond bringing the potential of lightning and a mild rain to a couple of local farmers, these clouds suggested that not merely the forces of nature were at work, but forces of evil as well.

In fact, it just so happened that as these dark clouds were accumulating, the sun passed a critical point across the horizon, and went beyond the scope of vision. Rather than merely heralding the end of a single day however, as clever readers will note, it probably also meant the end of good times and happiness in any meaningful literary sense, and possibly the death of a close family member.

Sasuke raised the cheeseburger to his mouth again, but he was hesitant this time. This hesitation lasted for but a fraction of a moment, but of course, like everything in literature, it in fact suggested an internal struggle that would define his character in the coming future. Indeed, this seemingly innocuous pause, which to the unenlightened simpleton might seem inconsequential, in fact shared a critical piece of information in regards to the man's character.

What was this critical piece of information you ask? Please. Take a few moments if it eludes you. I will wait.

Of course, at that very moment, while Sasuke raised the cheeseburger to his mouth yet again, another act of critical importance was taking place, thousands of miles away….


End file.
